44. Missing You Already

November 3^rd – Today me and my mom dropped the older of my two younger sisters back off at her dorm and then we went to my grandmas to have lunch. I thought it might be awkward but it was actually kind of nice. Yes I had to see all of my grandpa’s stuff and the pictures from his funeral, but to be able to spend time with my grandma and not see her emotion all that much was nice. She also showed me a couple of pictures from the day before he passed away. Although I didn’t say it to anyone, it was really hard to see them. He looked so beaten up and hurting that I wished I could have been there. Then I thought that it was probably better that way so that my last memory of actually seeing him was when he was happy and healthy at my sister’s graduation party and no big problems were noticeable.

43. Till We Meet Again

November 2^nd – Not much for today. Today was the funeral for my grandfather. It was really hard to see my grandma and my mother get so emotional. Even my little brother who I held during the service said his eyes were watering and I just didn’t know what to do. There were so many people that I didn’t know but just knowing that they all knew my grandpa and were able to come was amazing. I didn’t realize how stressful this all was until I got home. I ended up going to bed at 7:30 that night before anyone else was awake. Besides my mother, I am probably the one in my family that gets the most emotional, but today, I actually cried the least because I think I was trying to stay strong for my mother and my grandma. I felt so vulnerable that I didn’t want others to try and ask me if I was okay. I guess I just wanted to stay in my bubble.

42. Im Going Home To The Place Where I Belong

November 1^st – Today I headed home. It was really weird to leave school for something other than a break but I needed it. During the day I focused on getting thing packed and talking with professors about why I was leaving. I was having a really hard time figuring out what I need to bring home and what I was going to leave behind while I was there because I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate at home. It made me see that sometimes with directing, you don’t really know how something is going to turn out until you actually experience it and have to prepare for what comes afterwards. This was the first time ever that I experienced a death so close to me and I just couldn’t get over the fact that I couldn’t figure out what to do with myself even though all I had to do was throw some clothes in a suitcase. Right before I left to take the bus downtown, I went to gospel choir rehearsal and the touring ensemble held a prayer circle for me and another member who had lost her grandfather while on tour. It was really helpful. It was nice to know that despite these people not being family and possibly not know how I’m feeling, to be able to say the exact right things I needed to hear. I have faith that it was God. I don’t know who else could have helped this much. He’s just one big director knowing how to put pieces of a life back together once ones world has been turned upside down.

41. You Dont Know What You've Got Till It's Gone

October 30^th – Today was one of the longest days I have experienced in a long time. It was tech weekend for Hideous Progeny which was to be expected but I did not expect what actually happened today. A couple of weeks ago I found out my grandfather was getting put into a home because of his Alzheimer’s. A couple of days ago I found out that he was being put in hospice. My mom told me it could be months or it could be weeks before he would go and I was okay with that. This morning around 6:45am I got a call from my dad. He told that as of 6:15am my grandfather had passed away. I didn’t really react I said okay and said goodbye and I love you. For the next hour and a half I didn’t do anything. I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. My entire world had been thrown of balance and I didn’t know what to do. Finally I got up, did some laundry, took a shower, and went to tech, where I then preceded to tell people. I kept getting asked if I needed to go back to my dorm but I knew that the theatre and theatre people were the closest thing I had to family has that moment. This also caused me to rethink going home for the funeral. I didn’t want to miss dress rehearsals because I had made a commitment to people I cared about. I then realized after dinner when something that I was doing wasn’t working out too well that I need to go home. I realized while sitting outside in the rain for twenty minutes bawling my eyes out because I didn’t know what to do with myself and I didn’t know how to let people in on that. I was afraid to ask for help and I didn’t know where to go.